Thanks

For all the words of support, thank you. It means a great deal that so many care and want to share their own experiences. I'll return when I can. I'm trying to keep up on my pictures for now, but my writing will have to wait for the tide to change a bit. Be well.

Finneus - Our break up storm

I get one. One entry where I explain. It'll get the questions out of the way and it's also a bit of therapy for me. Writing always releases my demons to fly off to where ever dreams go and die. But I just get one and I may vanish for a bit after. I may be totally fickle about this but my intention is one entry where I'll talk about Marty and the soon ending of our relationship. It’ll be really long and then it’ll be done and I’ll write about new things when I can again. I don't want to be one of those people who write about their heart ache for reasons including hope that the other person will read it. It makes me sad for people when I see them doing that with blogs, status updates, etc and while I completely understand the inclination, it's just not in me. But writing is, so here I am. Everything I'm saying here, he already knows so it doesn't matter if he reads it. I'll need to move on and this one purging of my thoughts helps me. I could use some help. To go from where I was, well, it's far to fall to the place I am now. I do have respect for his feelings and dragging our relationship, how I'm feeling, and what he did through the mud over and over is cruel and I want to be better than that.

We're better now but he humiliated and hurt me - over and over, and with greater enthusiasm at the end and the worst part is that he lied. Maybe not worst - it all feels like pain - but the lying is what seems to have hurt me the most. Lying. About everything. And not just to me, but he lied to everyone. Lied to himself, his friends, his family and, yes, to the other woman. What he said is so far removed from reality it twists my stomach into painful knots. But that's who he grew to be. The things he says are things that he thinks will get him the best and by that I mean he's emotionally unavailable and can not communicate honestly. I tried. Honest to god I tried to be there, to be his partner, to counsel, be his best friend, be his lover, help him find his happiness, love him, to be more understanding than anyone else would have been - because I saw something in him, and in us that was special. I did things I knew would make him happy and tried to make him feel like an amazing person every day. I would have gone on trying.

He didn't have the courage to tell me. I had to pry it out of him piece by painful piece because I KNEW something was wrong and even then I'm sure that what I got wasn't accurate. Here I was weeks away from surgery, my head is hurting so much that I felt sick all the time and he couldn't talk to me - the girl he was saying he loved, who he called his best friend, and still made love to so passionately. He didn't mean to but he abandoned me emotionally; telling me everything was fine when it clearly was not. But I knew and I kept trying. I kept asking. I didn't know what else to do. He was there but I may as well have been alone the way he acted and made me feel. I know he feels very badly about that.

I pressed harder, harder until he could see it in my eyes – he knew I knew he was lying. So he made up a story and a name, a last name even, for this girl, whom he claimed "Was just some girl who came into the restaurant and wanted to take me home with her." "Not even attractive, just made me feel something". "Nothing happened but it felt good." He even acted angry that this secret stranger wasn't his secret anymore. She was no stranger who just came in, but worked with him and has an entirely different name. He didn't tell me that either. I figured it out after seeing how weird and upset she was when I came in and then how he tried to keep my attention elsewhere. I was so confused at the time that I just thought she was giving me strange looks because I was fat and - how could he be with someone like me? I figured it out eventually but it was a painful mess to sort out. He said he wasn’t interested in her, that he just wanted to be friends, and that he wanted us to stay together. He loved me. He said it over and over and over. So many times. Half-truths. He drowned us all in them and he did it because he didn’t want to hurt me and because it was hard telling the truth. It’s something I hope he really has learned from. He told me once "You have to commit to the lie totally". He's a master at it, so convincing. He was talking about something funny but nothing about any of this is funny.

He had a revelation that he's been unhappy for the past 5 years, that he's not in love with me, that he seeks other women, that this is the third co-worker, and that he needs to be alone. This revelation came when we had serious money problems, almost had to leave our apartment, I got really sick with my headaches/brain tumor and surgery, he has an ongoing sort of weird spasm/chest/heart thing, became dissatisfied with his job, stopped doing improv, his close friend moved to an exciting new life that includes a new country and a new girl, and he had what appeared to be a nervous breakdown. There were other things too, but too numerous to list.

Add to that a young waitress, who I'm sure is actually a lovely girl. I think that under completely, COMPLETELY, different circumstances, based on the little I know about her, we would have liked each other, maybe even been friends. She's healthy and doesn’t have all these health problems, or make him feel tied to anything - has traveled to exciting places, a free spirit it seems, very different from myself, and she's interested in him. How could one NOT have a revelation when their entire life has just turned into the hardest time they'll ever go through and there's suddenly this person who’s into them making them feel young and attractive, and wonderful? Infatuation is unavoidable given all of that. It's common sense and I don't know anyone who would disagree. Hell, I would have too perhaps. When all is darkness we’re all going to go towards a light.

Not to make light of infatuation – it feels, is, as real and powerful as any other emotion. He's decided that she is someone who might make him happy, that they had a connection and it felt different than the one with me. That’s understandable too. In many ways I am not smart but in things like this, emotions, motivations - I understand the webs and tangles. He admits at least that much, that he's deeply confused, this might be a colossal mistake, incredibly stupid, will fade into nothing, and he’ll have to own the mistake, and I admit to him that sometimes infatuation can grow into other things. We're very open and civil about everything. Warm and loving even.

I won't say anything bad about her. She simply doesn't know, understand, and definitely does not really know who he is, who we are, and while pursuing a man who is already in a committed relationship isn't great for karma points - I get it. Whatever her own choices have been, she’ll live with them and I don’t judge. I know that this is all going to be really painful for her too and probably more so later. It may not be the normal response but it's just not in me to have anger towards her. I did try and meet her but was told it would be too hard for her. I didn’t at the time, but I can understand that now. At the time, he was still saying there was absolutely nothing going on – just friends, blah, blah, blah, and I was saddened that she didn’t want to be friends with me too. God. The one accidental/forced meeting we had she pretty much bolted. Not that I blame her. I had shown up to surprise him after work since he sounded sad on the phone and out she walks, obviously having spent hours with him. That's a moment I wish I could take back. It'll haunt me for the rest of my life, how stupid and eager I was to see him, to cheer him up, to walk home hand in hand, hear about his day, make him smile. I must have looked like such a sad fool.

Other moments I wish I could erase from the last several weeks. He was having sex with me in the morning, kissing me goodbye, then chatting/flirting with her through the evening, even walking her home late at night after hanging out at a local bar, and then crawling into our bed and holding me while we slept. Laughing and talking to both of us. Rinse and repeat. Just so cruel and unfair. I have enough clarity to realize it wasn’t just me he was hurting and am sad for her as well.

He would text me things that made me smile then later text her that he was looking forward to seeing her. I only saw the one and we talked about it, but I’m pretty sure he sent and is sending her the funny/ happy texts that used to go to me. Again - I'm not so smart in many ways but wicked smart in these. I sincerely hope that they're not having an emotional affair/cheating through texts & conversation and he says no, absolutely no but...I know him better than anyone does. I might be wrong, he is being more honest now.

A few days before my surgery my girlfriends took me out – he had suggested his restaurant, even made the reservation then tap-danced around it, making me feel weird and guilty so I let the girls decide. He said she would be there and would call out sick if I came. I have never wanted to hurt her, or anyone, so my friends took me somewhere else and he knew we’d stop by after to hang out. When I got there I was pretty drunk and because of that, had a great time. He and I are still technically "together". Complicated but getting along, surviving, so it was fun, actually ok, even though we know we'll be ending things soon. We laughed and smiled and I felt something better than what I've been feeling.

I even had a great time when he told me how pretty I looked in the elevator on the way home, and when he moved to lean in and smell my hair, to push a lock of hair back to see my eyes. Good moments. "We still like each other moments" Hugs and holding each other. The moment I’d take back and also want to hold as close as I can though is after we got home when I passed out on the bed and he awoke me with kisses and his hands. Those kisses that make your toes curl, with those strong lips and tongue and hands sliding over my hips to pull closer - because I was sleepy and muddled I embraced it. I still love him, so much, so of course I wanted him to kiss me, to touch me. He's my person. But when I woke the next day I knew that it was going to hurt and it does. I understand that it was because he genuinely does love me, and still has feelings for me, even if they’ve changed so much. I believe him when he says I love you. After this many years one would have to still have feelings for the other. I know he’s not a monster. We’ve kissed a million times but these ones felt like an ache in my heart.

I'm not going to say that our relationship was perfect before all of this went down. It wasn't. We had our problems like every couple who has been together for several years does. We also had moments of what I can only describe as goodness, and purity, of hilarity, and of understanding a person on a level not often gained. I won't even say that without all of the bad things happening we wouldn't have broken up. Given how long everything built up we probably would have. I will say this. We didn't even get a chance. He stopped believing in and supporting us at the same time that things got really, really hard and I'll forgive him for that. Because, damn it's been hard. After practically 6 years of giving everything I could to this man I think he made a bad choice and for the wrong reasons. But it is his choice to make, right or wrong. I'll step back and let him make it. He says the only hope of us being together is to take time apart. I know that I had work to do still, and that we would only get the chance at being happy if we started over. Got out of debt and into our own small apartment, something we actually felt at home in. I've grown to truly love NYC in the past year and wanted to stay. Even took a break from one another to clear our heads and do some reflecting, were more honest. “Marty and Wendy” deserved a chance, I know we did, but he waited too long and then broke us and now I don't know. There is real love there though. The really great kind.

It was there, shining off in the distance - We were on our way to something better in terms of our money situation, I'm getting my health problems taken care of, and his health problems are, by all appearances, benign in nature. But yeah – He felt like he had no other choice but to end it and given all that's happened I’ll respect that. He dove into his world where everything is bad for him and embraced it. He fed the anger and resentment, felt more and more trapped, unhappy, found an escape, and got to the place where the only recourse was to be alone. Which, in this twisted alternate reality, I think means a new relationship with this girl who makes him feel good.

He was legitimately really sad and honorable about the situation to her and our friends, so out of real sympathy and caring people told him that he was doing the right thing when he finally said we’d be breaking up after I was recovered. I didn’t get to give my side, and my side, what I wanted, didn’t matter. It made me feel like I didn’t matter. Like I was nothing. I wanted to not exist. I know better now but, it’s really hard my friends. Especially when I have the perspective I do. The end was put into motion with no stopping it and I've cried for weeks. I do our laundry, iron his shirts, wash dishes, prepare for my surgery - keep busy and try to cope but I can't stop the crying. It's too much to lose all at once and it's felt like it was crushing me. I don't want to be alone and I don't know how to navigate this. 4 days before my surgery I'm lying in his arms, our legs twined, and I asked if he would miss the kitten and he said, “Not as much as I’m sure I’m going to miss you.” More crying and a tearing feeling in my chest. It all feels so completely wrong.

It's almost over. And it's very sad, more hard times to come, and I am a hollowed out version of the nice girl I was. Funny, we finally found "our" song just weeks ago. He wants me to get better and says I'm so special to him. He's sticking by me during my surgery and healing and for that I am grateful. Even though after this all plays out we most likely can't be friends, in this time he still is my dearest friend and having his support helps me right now. Our situation is anything but ideal but we're working through it together. At least we can do that much. We're pretty awesome in so many ways. Everyone keeps telling me that I’ll get better and intellectually I know that to be true but emotionally I just, I just can’t. I feel destroyed. I hope he finds what he needs, actually figures out who he his, works on his emotional knots, and I do hope it all gets better. I know that I'm strong and that I'm going to be ok eventually. I'm going to shine and do amazing things and who knows what the future holds.

It is the eve of my surgery and we've decided we're not going to think about this for a few weeks. To keep holding one another, lay spooned in our bed. Solace. Love. I need to focus on getting well, and strong so I'm leaving it all here and going into the hospital with a clear head, a positive heart, and as much grace as I can.

On top of everything else

Lies, weight of the world infatuation, still the sweetest kisses, fear, I love yous, pain, same texts, 2 smiling girls, tears, choices, loss. I'll get there - to that place where I talk about it, but not yet.

My blog will be dark for a bit, probably till after my surgery but I send my love, my hope to all. I'll live and love vicariously through each of you for awhile.

-W

Christina, Fahima, and Jen - my loves, thank you for last night. More chips!

I'm turning off comments but PLEASE feel free to email me: wendydorrel@gmail.com. I'll do my best to respond.

Surgery

Good days and bad days. If I'm honest it's been more bad days than good as of late. I think my life is like a game of Jenga, especially now, and one key piece was pulled. I toppled and am overwhelmed by so much all at once. Everything is falling apart. I can't talk about it right now. I'm still in the "dealing with this" mode and my top priority is getting through my surgery next week. Oh. The surgery. My surgeon wants me in as soon as possible - so whereas I thought I had a couple months to prepare, I now have had a couple weeks. Each week has been more appointments, more blood being drawn, more poking and prodding. Today was an eye exam (my eyes have started hurting with the headaches) and another MRI (hate MRI's - must devote future entry to when they left me in the machine and didn't answer my calls and the panic attack that immediately followed). I didn't talk much in my last entries, if at all about the complications I've been having below the belt but it all ties in to the brain tumor, the headaches (so much worse now), and pretty much all my medical problems. It's a web of confusion but I'm making progress. I will get better. This will get better.

On Wednesday the 17th I go in for my first surgery. They will be operating on my ovaries to remove an 11.5 cm cyst from the the left one and possibly the ovary itself. Very scared. Because of a risk of cancer I am having open surgery (with laproscopic some of the fluid from the cyst would unavoidably leak into my system and if the cyst is a bad cyst then I go from stage 1a cancer to 1c cancer. That would mean 6 months of chemo. So I decided not to risk it.) I'll be in the hospital for a few days then about 2 weeks of mostly bed rest, and then I heal up. It should take about a month.

In the midst of this craziness and despair there has been moments of wonder and amazing love. The support I've gotten from my friends and family has been crucial in me getting through my days. At the bottom looking up I received a package in the mail with a mystery shipping address. Some of the WoW group on Ravelry had put together a care package for me and even now I well up with tears writing about it. It was filled with yarn, knitted items, cards, toys, just amazing things that made me laugh and feel loved. This group of people did something for me that I can't ever thank them enough for. It was so needed right then and I am humbled by the kindness. Kyrie, Becca, Dandelions2, Chibicat, KatherineL, MiceBlank, Goshikku, Mohair - thank you. (if I missed anyone, please forgive me)

Kitten sees all.

Wanna see the tumor?

Maybe it's totally morbid but I think it's just fascinating looking at pictures like this. The dark spot is the little bastard.

For all the support - THANK YOU

I felt like I had a slight exhale yesterday and the comments made me laugh, and feel better, stronger. If I didn't thank you personally, shoot me an email, I tried to get everyone. The only person besides doctors I've really had contact with is Marty so it was wonderful to hear from others. I need to stop worrying so much. It's like battery acid in my stomach but the more I try not to worry, I worry. All the time. I'd like to get out of the city and just watch leaves. Go into the country somewhere. Be completely boring. Instead of listening to the jackhammering subway construction every morning. But here is home and home is where health insurance is. SO IMPORTANT.

Some of you mentioned it being a relief to finally know what's what. YES!!! Even though I'm scared out of my wits, after 3 years of being the sick, bummer friend who never really wanted to go far from home it's a comfort knowing that there was a reason. I wasn't crazy. As far as tumors go, although rare,it is one of the easier ones to treat. But I wouldn't go as far as saying I'm lucky. Bezzie, love "Jesus Haploid Crumbcakes!" Too funny.

Caren I get to keep my hair! And yes, it made me laugh. And yes, it was a total concern. The surgery is actually pretty crazy. They go in either through my lip or my nose laproscopically to remove it so outwardly I will look pretty normal. The real healing is how long the body takes to recover from the disease itself. I'm hopeful that since I'm still young and this was caught fairly soon, that I'll recover quickly and completely. Cushings causes all of my symptoms - PCOS, Thyroid disease, insulin problems etc.

How it all began ~ Three years ago I had rapid weight gain (like, I put on 80 pounds in a few months), loco periods, and my energy/mood plummeted. I went to a gynecologist who ran tests and discovered I had thyroid disease (hypo). I spent the next 3 years going to a few different endocrinologists for treatment. All of it was very frustrating. They all said "You need to lose weight". Well duh. It was the thing I wanted more than anything in the entire world. I've been mortified about my body to the point where I don't go out into public often. I avoid cameras unless I'm taking the photo and can re-touch or delete the shot if necessary. I didn't go to my 10 year high school reunion because I didn't want any of them to see how ugly I'd become. I almost didn't meet up with an old high school friend for sushi because of it. I've been so scared and embarrassed for so long now. I hate what people think when they look at me. I hate what I've become. The general public is cruel to those who are overweight and I'm sensitive. It's safe to say that I spent much of the time very depressed and hidden away.

I tried it all. I did the all the doctor's stupid shake diets, kept food journals, I did The Zone, South Beach, and even Weight Watchers where we talked about gastric bypass (so wrong). I was this II close to going for a consult I was so desperate. Please cut out my whole stomach will you? I was/am so miserable in this lumbering, sore body. Let me say something about those shake diets for any one who it is suggested to. They're bullshit. Total bullshit, all made by the same company as a way for a doctor to put their picture on a huge tub of powder and say they have a "diet". I have three tubs from 3 different doctors, each with their picture and some sort of "Dr. so and so's exclusive" mumbo jumbo copy, but on the back the ingredients for all are identical. Exclusive my ass. And they taste like chalk.

The doctors didn't believe me when I said that it wasn't my diet, that I ate healthy and didn't knock over Mc Donalds every day. That's one of the saddest parts and for any of you who has gone through something similar I am so, so truly sorry. They looked at me and saw a girl who overate and didn't exercise instead of listening to what I was actually saying. I exercise! I eat healthy! Please listen to me! It happened again recently. The doctor I was with dismissed symptoms and decided I had an eating disorder and was depressed. Fine, think that but DON'T dismiss my very real symptoms. Jesus.

It was in July 2008 that I realized I'd had a headache for over a week. I mentioned it to my doctor and was told if I lost weight my levels would regulate and it should go away. Awesome. Thanks. The headache continued over the months and it wasn't until January that Marty and I really made ourselves annoying enough for a referral to an ophthalmologist. The ophthalmologist found nothing wrong with my vision and referred me to an Ear, Nose, and Throat doctor thinking that it must be either a sinus problem or a migraine problem. More tests over February and March. I had a sinus CT scan, a sleep study, and he went into my sinuses with a camera. Everything came back fine. Marty and I began to suspect that the doctors weren't grasping the fact that we weren't talking about headaches plural but HEADACHE for several months now. I was in misery. On my last visit with with Ear, nose, and throat doctor I looked him dead in the eye and said, "I don't think you believe me. I've had this headache for months now and it's ruining my life. Please, please help me." We were referred to a neurologist. Maybe he thought I was nuts but whatever the reason thank goodness.

I have a brain tumor

It's a strange way of announcing it. In fact I can't really think of a more tacky way of telling people I have a brain tumor than by declaring it on my blog, twitter, flickr, and facebook (maybe a singing tele-gram?)but you have to admit - It's effective. Those who click will know and those who don't won't be bothered with it. I don't like being a bother. More than wanting lists of contacts to know, I really just need to talk about it. I need to have a place to vent and have a voice because right now I keep giving in to fear and anxiety. Bottling it up. That makes my headache worse. My head hurts all the time. So yes, I'm being really tacky but - I have a freaking brain tumor! I have to make jokes. Otherwise I would remain in a fetal position on the bed whimpering and that's sad-making.

*It's a hormone producing tumor located in my pituitary causing a disease called Cushings. Cushings Disease is pretty devastating but it's treatable. It's rare and doctors don't see it often (An estimated 10-15 people per million are affected each year.) so we're still getting all sorts of tests and MRI's to confirm the Cushings (not the stupid tumor - it's there for sure), even though it's been all but confirmed. I have to have an MRI of my adrenals to check for tumors there too. That's this week. Getting all the tests done takes(has taken) months so I'm in a sort of hell right now. My arms have bruises from all the times they've drawn blood and put in an IV, and all the big words they're saying are scaring me. It doesn't help that they've only seen this in medical text books. Thank god Marty's there. They can surgically remove the tumor and that should cure the disease but we have a long way to go to get to an actual surgery date. Some cushings patients have waited over a year for their surgery. I can't imagine waiting that long. I'll go crazy. Recovery takes a long time, 1-2 years but after that maybe I'll get my life/body back. I really want to not hurt any more and I really want to stop being so embarrassed about my body. More than anything I want a day without a headache.

I've been actively avoiding mentioning it on the internets for a few weeks now but Friday I saw pictures of the tumor and everything was suddenly real. Technicolor life-threateningly real. My stomach has felt like there's a bunch of kittens in it since and I can't stop worrying. I was waiting to write about it because there were a few people I still needed to tell and one was just about graduate. I couldn't be such a buzzkill or a possible form of stress right before, so I waited. I also have applied for a few jobs and didn't want this to affect a decision made about me. I mean, as far as I know, employers aren't high-fiving each-other over applicants who could potentially croak on them. Now, more than ever almost, I need an income and since all the jobs are telecommuting and part time they would be ideal. My head hurts but I'm not really disabled in any way and I can/do work great from home. Plus work is distracting and a distraction is good right now. I'm on my mac practically 24/7 anyway.

(This got a lot longer than I meant for it to so I'm breaking it up. More later.)

*It could turn out to be a non-hormone producing tumor but based on what we know right now that is very unlikely. If it isn't a hormone producing tumor then it's likely they will find tumor(s) in my adrenals that will be the culprits.

Hoop Dancing

It began with a picture that a flickr buddy posted. I became instantly intrigued and excited by the idea of taking this child's toy and using an adult version to dance with. What was this thing called hoop dancing? I soon found out that it was pretty much the most fantastic form of exercise EVER. I now have 2 hoops and hoop ever day.

You just can't help but grin and laugh while hooping. My stomach muscles are already noticeably tighter and I have control over muscles I didn't even know existed. Plus it's a good hard cardio workout. It's easy to work up a sweat and have fun at the same time.

Check out the Hoopnotica video below. My hoop and DVD's came from them. They've made me a total believer. :)



There's a flickr group for us crafty sorts here. Seriously, SO MUCH FUN!!!!!!!

Goodbye Old Friend

During college I became a heavy smoker. As a theatre student, I joined the masses and in-between rehearsals, scenes, tech, anything, I was outside smoking with the rest of them. I can say with complete sincerity I loved smoking and, because of how much I enjoy it, wish I had never started.

I remember that first real cigarette. It was a capri slim and I was visiting my Aunt in Montana. I was outside looking out over the lake and I tentatively pulled smoke into my mouth and immediately blew it out. This wasn't so bad, it didn't hurt like I thought it would. On my second pull I actually inhaled and coughed explosively. It was the most horrid feeling and for the life of me I could not understand how anyone could want to smoke.

I, for insane reasons I'm sure, persisted and soon understood exactly why some one would want to smoke. It was wonderful! There is something truly awesome about sitting with a hot cup of coffee, a good book, and a cigarette. Most of my early romance with Marty involved a Diedrichs Coffee, a rickety metal table, and many cigarettes. We spent hours there talking, debating, or ignoring each other while I was on my laptop and he read. Those memories have taken on that rosy hue reserved for nostalgia.

In November 2007 I was down to smoking 1-2 a day. Not packs. Even I never got that crazy, but I had my one cigarette before work, and perhaps one more later in the day. The realization that I was as close to quitting as I was probably ever going to be hit me in December and I made a choice. I stopped smoking and because of how little I was smoking at the time, it was really easy. It's something I'm glad I did because had I waited, even a month, I probably would have been smoking more and just wouldn't have done it.

I miss it, like an old friend I haven't seen in a long time but I did it. I quit and now over a year later I don't think of it very often.

Franklin Habit visit!

Hey NYC'ers!! Franklin Habit of Panopticon will be at Annie’s on the Upper East Side tomorrow for a talk and book signing for It Itches.

Here's the details from the Ravelry group:

Saturday, March 28th
6-8 pm
Wine & cheese
Q&A
Books are available at the store.Reservations are encouraged. Please contact the store at 212-289-2944 or leave a message here.

Hope to see some of you there! :)